Where do I Buzz from here?

I was free!! Free to fly on my own, and put my actions to the test. No I was not healed of Bipolar, but I was no longer going to let Bipolar rule me. My homecoming was a new beginning. But I was still having this undertone of unhappiness. It was still grief that I had not dealt with.

I went from being angry at God to being angry at my Mom for leaving me. If you have ever lost a loved one, you probably understand this. I didn't deal with it and it began to fester inside of me. I was listening to the lies of Satan and not the promises of God. Like, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." She was no longer suffering, but selfish me wanted her back. I needed my Momma.

My relationship with my husband was stronger because I learned how to communicate my feelings in a better and healthier way. My family and extended family where all great, but my relationship with the Lord was once again one sided. Why one sided? Because He was there, but I was not putting any effort in to allow the relationship to grow. Once again I had put God on a shelf, there for when I REALLY needed Him. So I wasn't praying and I wasn't reading my Bible and my church attendance began to slip again, and I am the Preacher's wife. So if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

So I began to revert back to some old ways. Being a pessimist and not an optimist. I began once again using my Bipolar as an excuse not really bad just here and there when I really didn't want to do something for if it took to much effort. It can become an excuse and a crutch in our lives if we allow it too. It can rule us instead of us ruling it. Satan uses his favorite devices like negativity to play a role in a person's mind especially if they are dealing with issues. He will use anything to keep us from doing God's work.

I was getting depressed again. I was forgetting all of the things that I had been taught and I knew to be true. I can't was beginning to creep back in my vocabulary. I knew all the promises of God and all the practical tactics in my head, but I wasn't believing them in my heart. Until then I was never going to get on top of this mountain I was climbing. So where do I go from here?