BEEginning to Heal

So there I was all night in this worst situation every and I finely had feelings again and I finally cried out to God and He heard me. That was a large step for me because I had left God along time ago being angry about my disease. Now I knew I couldn't do this without Him. But everything was still not peachy.

While I was home bound for 6 months, because of depression I let everything go. My weight, my church attendance and even my house cleaning. My weight was great because I had lost 100 pounds until my doctor put me on Lithium which caused weight gain. I steadily was gaining weight and he never saw I was getting more depressed because of it. (Make sure your doctors listen to you!) I gained all the weight back. Another factor in my depression. I have always been very proud of where God has blessed us where we live and right now we are really blessed by the church and the beautiful home that they allow us to live in. In that pride, I have always kept a clean house until now. Clothes where piled everywhere, trash and cups left on every table and end table possible. I can't in words describe to you how bad it was, but it burdened me and I didn't have the strength to pick it up.

God in His wonderful mercy laid it on my families heart to clean my house while I was in the hospital. Words will never be able to express my gratitude for that because that was a large burden lifted for when I came home.

So I woke up the next day to a wonderful nurse asking me alot of questions about why I was here. I told him I was in deep grief, depressed and suicidal. He asked me how I felt at that point and I told him better and I told Him about me praying. He asked me and made me promise not to hurt myself and I promised. So I went down to the cafeteria and ate breakfast and everyone was so nice to me. It was like ok God this is going to be all right.

I went to every group therapy, family therapy with my husband, and spiritual therapy possible because I needed answers to get well. I learned something from all of the therapist and that was a blessing that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time. Then it came medicine time and the doctor began to make changes no more Lithium (yeah!) and I was taken from 5 anxiety pills to three. Oh Lord what am I going to do. I can't handle dealing with all this with all this anxiety. So the nurse said we will help you deal with it.

The first full day I had a full blown panic attack and the nurse came in and taught me a relaxation technique. I learned how to lay down on my back and relax each muscle starting with my toes all the way to my head. It was a hard process for me because it was foreign. I always stayed uptight, but all the while she is talking to me and stroking my arm. I began crying and the told her about my mother passing away, and she apologized. I said no thank you because while she was stroking my arm her hands felt just like my mother's hand and it was comforting me. I told her about my anger towards my mother and she told me to write it down and burn it and I said ok I will, but I just filed that bit of information for later.

It's amazing how God puts us where we need to be, not necessarily where we want to be. He provides people (family, nurse, etc.) to help us along the journey. We are never alone. He is always there working and providing exactly what we need at exactly the right time. More to come on this journey of my hospital stay!