So I was diagnosed there you have it. I was doomed or so I thought. Why me Lord? What have I done? I will do better, but all the while He is thinking I chose you that's why. I will never give you more than you can handle. But at that time that was the furtherest thing from my mind. I was angry and I was angry at God! I wouldn't admit to it but I know it now.
So I went for years going back and forth to the doctor with this med problem or this depression issue. I would get so low and deep and dark I couldn't even look up or around me to see the people that loved me and were praying for me. I soon found out the issues with bipolar like feeling good so you stop taking meds. It is very common but it is very dangerous and not at all the thing to do. I would spiral into depression and then jump into the mania like a rocket full blast. Now I never have had full mania episodes that I do outlandish things. I just severe insomnia (that soon will cause a migraine) and lots of cleaning and crafting. I am really creative in a manic like most people are.
I started going to a Christian counselor after a couple of years and she was great, but I always felt like I heard what she was saying but I couldn't apply it to my own life. This case is different. Don't you get it Christians aren't supposed to be depressed. I am saved. I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and I am a Preacher's wife this isn't supposed to happen to me maybe they are all wrong. All the while I couldn't see my destructive behavior by shutting out my husband and getting so low that I stayed in bed for days without showering or brushing my teeth (gross I know)!
I never really got settled in the fact that if Jesus doesn't heal me of this (which was my prayer) I needed to accept it. I wouldn't be alone. But that is what I felt all alone for many years. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Even though I had a great support system in my husband, in my church, and in my family, I couldn't let them in because they didn't need to see the real me. So I hid behind a mask!! Mask no more, I have been freed from that bondage of embarrassment and I wear my cross to bare close to my heart with God's help. We make it day by day!
You are doing so well and I am so proud of you. God has promised to never leave you or forsake you, so keep seeking Him. We all have burdens to bear and sometimes those burdens can feel overwhelming. Thank God He has promised to see us through if we will just ask. Sadly, sometimes we don't ask. We don't want to face it, so we try to hide from Him. I have been guilty of that, shamefully. Keep sharing how God has lifted you up in the deepest and darkest moments. Give Him the glory and others will see Him in you. I love you!
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