Well, getting to the point that I am now was a hard journey. I lived many years in such a state of depression and denial. Then something terrible happened just when you think you can't take anymore my Mother passed away at a very young age. Not her Lord, she was the only one that really listened and understood me. She was the refuge I went to instead of going into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. She took care of me that week and watched me as I was her little girl all over again. With all my issues Lord, why are you now adding grief?
So I was grieving, depressed and lonely. Not a good combination to have. They just played on each other, but all the while I had family worried about me and praying for me. I didn't grieve properly (if there is such a thing). I stayed in the blaming God phase for taking my mother so soon. My youngest wouldn't remember her and I needed her and who has a right to take a women that is so great away. She was the best example of a Godly Mother, the best Nana, and most of all the best Christian women I know, so why her Lord? I stopped praying and reading my Bible. My church attendance got very lazy and I just wanted her back and He (God) took her from me (or so I thought).
I stayed like a zombie because I was so heavily medicated. I don't remember a lot about those few years except that I was not being who God created to be and I had lost myself in my own self pity.
I went to Church Camp and slept the whole week practically in the cabin overwhelmed with depression and a migraine. Many where worried about me and I just wanted to run away. That has been my answer to it all run away from everything and never look back. When I run out of gas and money, that is where I will be. Never realizing my issues would go with me. I missed out on so much of life and activities with my family and my relationship with the Lord was practically non-existent. He never moved but I felt as if I couldn't pray anymore and didn't get anything from reading my Bible. That happens when you allow Satan to have rule and reign over your thoughts for so many years.
Then one day I snapped and I grabbed the razor and I was going to finally end it all and go be with my Momma and my husband walked in. He immediately realized what was going on and said get dressed you are going to the Hospital. Well I thought great now I can get away from it all. How sadly was I mistaken. We went and they committed me for major depression with suicidal thoughts. I thought I would stay a few days sleep all day and get my much needed vacation. Oh, I was so wrong. As I was escorted in a wheelchair up to the floor, a policeman had to go with me. Then I realized this must be serious. Then they began processing me and checking my things in. They searched me and took away everything but the clothes on my back and a picture of my family.
I was placed in the observation room for the night. It was the scariest place in the world to me. I hated being so alone in a room with someone coming in every so often checking on you. I then finally cried and I cried out to the Lord for help and strength. I needed Him. Why is it that we have to get so down and deep into a situation before we cry out to God for help. If something was happening to my children and they called for me I would immediately come running. Well that is what I did was a cried unto Jesus but he didn't have to come running. He was already there. I just didn't realize it.
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