I read a statement the other day that really caught my attention. You have to take your garbage out when it gets full. The garbage man does not come in and get it for you. Neither will God! But if we confess it, He has promised to pick it up and throw it away. If you keep it in, your house gets stinky.
So it is the same way with the things that we put in our mind. The kind of music we listen to, the tv shows and movies we watch. What we fill our mind with will come out. Romans 12:2 states, "And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Now this is not an instant process. This is a daily transformation of ourselves to be more and more like Jesus.
With depression the mind can get boggled up with negativity and confusion, but "If we live in the Spirit. let us also walk in the Spirit." Galatians 5:25 Satan likes to put snares out there for us and get our focus inwardly and not outwardly on Christ.
From experience, I lived way to many years listening to the voice of the Devil and all his lies. His voice overshadowed anything and everything I knew as a Christian. I believed his lies and therefore he had me in a bondage of depression. My Deliverer set me free by breaking me and molding me into a vessel that can be used for Him.
Now I am not saying that I am perfect by any means nor is God through making and molding me, but I am daily learning how to walk in the Spirit. Now I now that all my problems are not always from being bipolar but some are from being away from the will of God. I still struggle with the issues of being bipolar and the anxiety issues, but if I will remember I have a Father who cares and wants to help me through the storms.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A New Chapter in the Bee's Life
I have started a new chapter in my life. I am working from my home part-time. It is only a few hours a week, but it is something. I haven't worked since January 2010. So this is a start! Being bipolar and working it is so hard sometimes because you never know what kind of mood you will be in when you wake up. Is it an up or down day or right in the middle.
I have been doing good for now and now that as the the old song says, "One day at a time sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you." I believe that is all He asks from us who deal with emotional issues. One day at a time! And so maybe it was a not so good day, relish in the fact of what you did get accomplished. The small things like getting out of bed, helping your kids with homework, doing a load of laundry. To many those things might be trivial, but I know those things are gigantic to one who is struggling.
One the issue of doing something, you really don't want to do is a case I struggle with. My anxiety kicks in and my brakes go on and it's like I can't move forward. But I am trying to work on that one whether the outcome of doing it outweighs the struggle and in most cases "Yes!" But I know when you are in that situation, you can't see the end result so you have to rely on trusting in God that He knows your heart. So sometimes I plaster that smile on, most times it is for real, and others times we just can't go there.
I have been doing good for now and now that as the the old song says, "One day at a time sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking from you." I believe that is all He asks from us who deal with emotional issues. One day at a time! And so maybe it was a not so good day, relish in the fact of what you did get accomplished. The small things like getting out of bed, helping your kids with homework, doing a load of laundry. To many those things might be trivial, but I know those things are gigantic to one who is struggling.
One the issue of doing something, you really don't want to do is a case I struggle with. My anxiety kicks in and my brakes go on and it's like I can't move forward. But I am trying to work on that one whether the outcome of doing it outweighs the struggle and in most cases "Yes!" But I know when you are in that situation, you can't see the end result so you have to rely on trusting in God that He knows your heart. So sometimes I plaster that smile on, most times it is for real, and others times we just can't go there.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Old Feelings for this Bee
Today was one of those not so good days. I was hurting from kidney stone, eyes blood shot for whatever reason, congested, and feeling blah. I didn't want to be around people either. So what do you do?
Do you listen to your body and take a day of rest or do you drudge through and make yourself do. Well, I did a little of both. I was up today and did accomplish a few things in the house and helped the boys with homework, but on the other hand couldn't make myself do much else!
Did I fail today? I may have in some eyes, but I did what I thought was best. God knows my heart and He understands me. I get scared that I may be falling into that depression pit again, but I can't count my chickens before they hatch as they say.
I just take it one day at a time sweet Jesus! And tomorrow is a new morning.
Do you listen to your body and take a day of rest or do you drudge through and make yourself do. Well, I did a little of both. I was up today and did accomplish a few things in the house and helped the boys with homework, but on the other hand couldn't make myself do much else!
Did I fail today? I may have in some eyes, but I did what I thought was best. God knows my heart and He understands me. I get scared that I may be falling into that depression pit again, but I can't count my chickens before they hatch as they say.
I just take it one day at a time sweet Jesus! And tomorrow is a new morning.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Doubting Bee
Do you ever doubt God? I do! I don't know why or even how it ever starts, but it does. I have situations that come up in my life and I know I need the Lord to take care of them, because there is no way in my control that it could get resolved. So I pray sincerely and earnestly about it, and then I pick the burden right back up and carry the load full of worry and doubt.
God never intended for us to carry the load on our own. He has proven that by sending His Son to die for us. That was the ultimate sacrifice and fix for our deepest rooted problem of sin. So why then do I worry over petty things. He has proven Himself time and time again in my Life that He has it all under control in His own time.
That is the problem that we live in a fast food country. We want everything NOW! But God does not work on our time table He works on His own. In the process of waiting for God to take control of a sitation and "fix" it for us, try next time to draw closer to Him instead of carrying that burden all by yourself. You will realize that He is always right on time.
God never intended for us to carry the load on our own. He has proven that by sending His Son to die for us. That was the ultimate sacrifice and fix for our deepest rooted problem of sin. So why then do I worry over petty things. He has proven Himself time and time again in my Life that He has it all under control in His own time.
That is the problem that we live in a fast food country. We want everything NOW! But God does not work on our time table He works on His own. In the process of waiting for God to take control of a sitation and "fix" it for us, try next time to draw closer to Him instead of carrying that burden all by yourself. You will realize that He is always right on time.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Bee's hiding place!
When guilt occupies the secret places in ou lives, we can let it cripple us, or we can allow God to set us free. Bipolar people or people that deal with depression often encounter this statement. We have guilt from so many areas of our life. Then the why's kick in! Why do I have this or why won't it get any better. Why can't I just be normal. (Please define normal because I have not been able to find it yet!)
Deep down in the secret places of our hearts we have these questions and we carry guilt. I carry alot of guilt in me. Why can't I just stop sleeping so much? Why can't I ever follow through with what I start? Why don't I spend more quality time with my family? Why? Why? Why?'s can eat you alive. You have to give them over to God and allow Him to set you free.
You don't have to be perfect or push yourself to be worthy of God's love. We need to walk away from the past and concentrate on the future to see what God is going to do in our lives'.
Deep down in the secret places of our hearts we have these questions and we carry guilt. I carry alot of guilt in me. Why can't I just stop sleeping so much? Why can't I ever follow through with what I start? Why don't I spend more quality time with my family? Why? Why? Why?'s can eat you alive. You have to give them over to God and allow Him to set you free.
You don't have to be perfect or push yourself to be worthy of God's love. We need to walk away from the past and concentrate on the future to see what God is going to do in our lives'.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Whatever You Buzz To!
Many things can cloud our view of reality. Whatever you run to just to get through the day is your God. As a person with bipolar, we often cling to things that are stable and real. I know at different times in my life I have run to many different comforts in my life - food being the easiest. But when I run to those things and put anything before God it becomes an idol. I don't want idols in my life. I want Jesus.
I have learned so much from my mistakes, but the problem is when I repeat them.
So I will try each and every day to put Christ on the throne of my heart.
I have learned so much from my mistakes, but the problem is when I repeat them.
So I will try each and every day to put Christ on the throne of my heart.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Bee's Frustrations
I have begun to notice some things about being bipolar that are very frustrating. One is the short term memory loss. I can't remember anything. It becomes very confusing for my husband and I because things will just have happened and I can't remember them. We will watch a movie and I can't remember it later. Most of all it is frustrating when I try to memorize Bible scripture and I can't recall the things that I have studied or worked on.
Second is the getting out of my routine can be exhausting. I tell everyone routine, routine, routine is the best thing for a bipolar person. I may not have the best routine, but it works for me. I have been out of town for the last three weeks and out of my routine. It has been fun to go and do different things, but being out of my routine is very taxing on my body as well as my mind. As I come home from each of these weeks, I feel very exhausted as most people do, but I also feel mentally drained when I should have had fun. Not to say that I didn't have any fun, I did but I pay the price coming down off that mountain. It is like someone popped my balloon.
I know these are not major issues, but they are as my title says frustrating. I am sorry for not being like everyone else, but I am not. I am different and I have to deal with things differently. People don't understand that but this is who I am. God made me special in His way and I have to accept that even if no one else around understands that. I have to take care of me and I know what is best for me.
Second is the getting out of my routine can be exhausting. I tell everyone routine, routine, routine is the best thing for a bipolar person. I may not have the best routine, but it works for me. I have been out of town for the last three weeks and out of my routine. It has been fun to go and do different things, but being out of my routine is very taxing on my body as well as my mind. As I come home from each of these weeks, I feel very exhausted as most people do, but I also feel mentally drained when I should have had fun. Not to say that I didn't have any fun, I did but I pay the price coming down off that mountain. It is like someone popped my balloon.
I know these are not major issues, but they are as my title says frustrating. I am sorry for not being like everyone else, but I am not. I am different and I have to deal with things differently. People don't understand that but this is who I am. God made me special in His way and I have to accept that even if no one else around understands that. I have to take care of me and I know what is best for me.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
The bee's maker
I sit here with the back door open and I am listening to the birds chirping. I am thinking about how beautiful God's creation is and then I remember, oh yeah, I am part of that too. If He could create such a world to be so great and perfect why do I question how He created me.
I know I have bipolar but he knows too. I know I have an anxiety disorder, but He knows too. He created me to be me. Unique and special in every way. Psalm 139:14 states, " I will praise thee: for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works." So He made me and called me marvellous. That's pretty awesome. Now some days I don't always feel awesome. I just feel a little fearfully, but He still loves me then. He loves me no matter what. He loves me so much He sent His son to die on the cross for me. Now that's pretty special.
So as you go through your day to day walk. Find things that God created and realize you can just look in the mirror and see one of His prized creations.
I know I have bipolar but he knows too. I know I have an anxiety disorder, but He knows too. He created me to be me. Unique and special in every way. Psalm 139:14 states, " I will praise thee: for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works." So He made me and called me marvellous. That's pretty awesome. Now some days I don't always feel awesome. I just feel a little fearfully, but He still loves me then. He loves me no matter what. He loves me so much He sent His son to die on the cross for me. Now that's pretty special.
So as you go through your day to day walk. Find things that God created and realize you can just look in the mirror and see one of His prized creations.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Bee's Mask
How is it that you can be surrounded by wonderful people and still feel alone? I often feel that way. My own insecurities get in the way. They are always whispering in my ear to keep me from being the true me. That I know is Satan's tactics to keep me down, but why do I listen to him and allow him to determine my mood or my mindset. I have listened to him so long that I believe Him that God's promises are foreign to me. I know what they say but do I believe them in my heart. It's that part of "renewing of your mind" part that I have trouble with. I often put a mask on that everything is ok, not always but sometimes. Mostly in public where I am constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who is saying what. I deal with that mostly because of my weight. Why can't I just take the mask off or why can't I be secure in who I am? I know I can in Christ, but knowing and doing is a much harder task. My prayer is that I can just be me. That I can be in a crowd and stand tall and proud of who I am and who God has made me. That I can stop wearing masks and let people know what is truly going on inside so they can pray for me. I pray that others, as well as myself, will listen to the one true voice and not those negative voices of Satan keeping us defeated.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Bee depending on God
I have always been an independent person. Relying on myself and also blaming myself for the problems that arise. I used to carry alot of guilt, but as time has gone by I have learned there is no need to carry all the burdens. Jesus took care of everything at Calvary. This week has been an eventful week for my family. My husband and I had our 13 anniversary. We went on a little trip while the kids stayed with their Grandma (Ma Boo) and they went on a little trip. Well, while we were 7 hours away our car died. I mean D I E D to the graveyard it went. But we stranded on had no idea what to do, so my husband got on the phone and to make a long story short a church full of people came through for us and helped us out with a loving hand. I doubted once again, Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." But why do I doubt Him, he has always come through for me and He went above and beyond by dieing for me on the cross. So the end of the story is a another church gave us a car. Why do I get discouraged? Why do I worry or fret? Why do I feel defeated? Because that is how Satan wants us to feel. Those feelings are from Satan. I know feel blessed beyond measure.a I was a little afraid that circumstantial depression would set in. That is a depression that is caused because of the things that you are going through not a chemical change. That is probably the most typical of all the depressions. But how could I get depressed, because I had been so richly blessed. So when you get down and discouraged, begin to think on the blessings that you have. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for and read it over and over again. That is enough to make you forget the circumstances that you are in and just allow you to praise the Lord with a thankful heart.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Bee I am in Christ
I have had a rough few days with low self-esteem and depression and my anxiety has hightened. I didn't know what to do. I was worrying that I was spiraling downwards and I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to fall into the deep pit again. I didn't really know why I was feeling this way, there was no rhyme or reason. Nothing had happened to make me feel this way.
I felt like a hypocrite cause I have been so good and I have been praising His name. Now here I was not adhering to my own advice. I did the only thing I knew to do was ask people to pray for me. I ask friends to pray for my mood and my state of mind. I have a great support system of people that love the Lord, and I believe they did because I slept all night last night and I woke up refreshed and ready to face the world today. No more depression.
When low self esteem and dount paralyze us, we can give up and accept the distorted image, or we can remember who we are in Christ. We are loved most of all. When we are in a depression or feeling low (because some won't admit it is depression), we have a Heavenly Father who cares. He cares and he uses people in our lives so show us sometimes when we can't see them ourselves.
I do have Bipolar and anxiety disorder, but when God looks at me that is not what He sees. I am overweight and need to lose alot, but God doesn't see that either. I have made many mistakes in the past and I am sure I will make more in the future, but when God looks as me He doesn't see that either. He sees a child of God that loves Him even when I can't express it. I trust in those moments that I am clouded with all that I think I am, that I need to recall God's promises that He is with me. Matthew 28:20, "...and low I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world."
I felt like a hypocrite cause I have been so good and I have been praising His name. Now here I was not adhering to my own advice. I did the only thing I knew to do was ask people to pray for me. I ask friends to pray for my mood and my state of mind. I have a great support system of people that love the Lord, and I believe they did because I slept all night last night and I woke up refreshed and ready to face the world today. No more depression.
When low self esteem and dount paralyze us, we can give up and accept the distorted image, or we can remember who we are in Christ. We are loved most of all. When we are in a depression or feeling low (because some won't admit it is depression), we have a Heavenly Father who cares. He cares and he uses people in our lives so show us sometimes when we can't see them ourselves.
I do have Bipolar and anxiety disorder, but when God looks at me that is not what He sees. I am overweight and need to lose alot, but God doesn't see that either. I have made many mistakes in the past and I am sure I will make more in the future, but when God looks as me He doesn't see that either. He sees a child of God that loves Him even when I can't express it. I trust in those moments that I am clouded with all that I think I am, that I need to recall God's promises that He is with me. Matthew 28:20, "...and low I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Season of Buzzing
Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." It is that way with Bipolar and depression. We go through moods or seasons at different times. I am struggling with depression for the last few days, not bad just enough where I don't really want to be bothered alot. But, the Bible says there is a purpose for every season, and I just have to find that purpose. Is it to slow down again and start reading my Bible more and praying again. Have I not been depending on Him enough?
You can let your emotions get in the way for what you know is true. I often as I have said revert back to the "I can't!," mentality. But I can, I just choose not too. I use my disease as an excuse for not doing things. But we where created to do things especially for the Lord. We were created to worship Him. So if I have to go through this season again, because maybe I didn't learn the last time around or for whatever reason.
I will once again fall at His feet with my broken praises and He will always accept me just as I am. Hebrews 13:5 says that He " will never leave thee nor forsake me." So gather all your pieces of yourself that you have become and know that we have a mighty God that never leaves. If our relsationship with Him becomes strayed it is not Him who has moved, we have and during a depression it is often backwards. But we need to do the opposite, we need to move toward Him. So that is what I am proclaiming, to take this season and move closer to Him.
When we do have those bad days, we need to relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for the small things that you did get done on that day. It may just be small like reading a verse or getting dressed. But be thankful that you did at least that. Try not to stay in the bed all day, try to accomplish one thing on your goals list. That is a list I told you about previously.
Speaking of the goals list, try weekly to do something on that list. It will help your mood and state of mind that you are accomplishing something no matter how big or small. Then add something every week and before you know it you will be having to make a new list of goals you want to accomplish. The Bible states in Romans 8:37, "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
You can let your emotions get in the way for what you know is true. I often as I have said revert back to the "I can't!," mentality. But I can, I just choose not too. I use my disease as an excuse for not doing things. But we where created to do things especially for the Lord. We were created to worship Him. So if I have to go through this season again, because maybe I didn't learn the last time around or for whatever reason.
I will once again fall at His feet with my broken praises and He will always accept me just as I am. Hebrews 13:5 says that He " will never leave thee nor forsake me." So gather all your pieces of yourself that you have become and know that we have a mighty God that never leaves. If our relsationship with Him becomes strayed it is not Him who has moved, we have and during a depression it is often backwards. But we need to do the opposite, we need to move toward Him. So that is what I am proclaiming, to take this season and move closer to Him.
When we do have those bad days, we need to relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for the small things that you did get done on that day. It may just be small like reading a verse or getting dressed. But be thankful that you did at least that. Try not to stay in the bed all day, try to accomplish one thing on your goals list. That is a list I told you about previously.
Speaking of the goals list, try weekly to do something on that list. It will help your mood and state of mind that you are accomplishing something no matter how big or small. Then add something every week and before you know it you will be having to make a new list of goals you want to accomplish. The Bible states in Romans 8:37, "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Church Buzz
This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a Sunday and I am very excited about going to Church, fellowshipping with His people, and worshipping and awesome Saviour.
But I haven't always felt that way, I used to dread going to Church. I am a Preacher's wife and I felt that there was added pressure on me. I was putting that pressure on myself not the Church. You see the Church my husband pastor's is the Church I grew up in. So it is a very unique situation. The people have known me all of my life, but I felt as if I had a role to play and I didn't even want to take a part.
I would use the words, "I can't," way to much as an excuse for not going. It is too hard to go and put the mask on of happiness when deep down inside I was crumbling. But I did it every now and then, and I resented my husband for it. I just wanted to be "normal" people, not all this preachy stuff with added responsibilities.
But boy am I glad, that Jesus didn't say, "I can't." The cross was a huge burden to bear and He came to earth for the sole purpose of going to the cross. His whole life was committed to that.
He carried the burden on our sins to Calvary and shed his blood for everyone. He loves us that much.
So I came to the realization that by not going to Church, I was missing a big part of my healing. I needed to be surrounded by God's people who loved me and care for me and where praying for me. I needed to be in the House of God, feeling His presence and hearing His word preached to me. But with the anxiety Disorder also, I had to realize nothing was going to happen to me.
So I began taking it slow, and getting back in Church. It is wonderful to see God's people that love our family and love the Lord so much. They are such an encouragement. I still have days where Satan tries to tempt me to stay at home it is much easier, but Jesus didn't take the easy way out and neither will I.
But I haven't always felt that way, I used to dread going to Church. I am a Preacher's wife and I felt that there was added pressure on me. I was putting that pressure on myself not the Church. You see the Church my husband pastor's is the Church I grew up in. So it is a very unique situation. The people have known me all of my life, but I felt as if I had a role to play and I didn't even want to take a part.
I would use the words, "I can't," way to much as an excuse for not going. It is too hard to go and put the mask on of happiness when deep down inside I was crumbling. But I did it every now and then, and I resented my husband for it. I just wanted to be "normal" people, not all this preachy stuff with added responsibilities.
But boy am I glad, that Jesus didn't say, "I can't." The cross was a huge burden to bear and He came to earth for the sole purpose of going to the cross. His whole life was committed to that.
He carried the burden on our sins to Calvary and shed his blood for everyone. He loves us that much.
So I came to the realization that by not going to Church, I was missing a big part of my healing. I needed to be surrounded by God's people who loved me and care for me and where praying for me. I needed to be in the House of God, feeling His presence and hearing His word preached to me. But with the anxiety Disorder also, I had to realize nothing was going to happen to me.
So I began taking it slow, and getting back in Church. It is wonderful to see God's people that love our family and love the Lord so much. They are such an encouragement. I still have days where Satan tries to tempt me to stay at home it is much easier, but Jesus didn't take the easy way out and neither will I.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
This Bee Buzzing in circles
A circle goes round and round. It goes down just to come back up and complete itself. It constantly is going in these directions to make a whole part or as we know it a circle. That is my life with Bipolar. I go round and round. I go down with depression just to come back up with a bout of mania. I don't swing very low anymore or swing very high because I am on the right medication. But when life is hard, we can give up or we can come to Jesus with our problems and wait patiently for His answer.
It is imperative that you get a doctor that you like and can honest with. It is also imperative that you stay in contact with that doctor if you are having major cycling. Most of all you must take your medicine everyday. Now that it is pretty outside it is also helpful to get out as often as you can and get some sunlight. I have trouble with this because I don't work and I stay in the house alot.
For those family members out there that have members with bipolar please try and be patient. You can try to understand what the person is going through but you never really can. You can be compassionate and pray for that person. You can be a friend and listen. Often times that is what we need the most, and I know you want to try to fix things especially if you have children with Bipolar. But there is no fixing, there is stabilizing and maintaining a good healthy relationship.
I am sorry for all the things that we put our family members through, and I am sure most Bipolar people are, but it is what it is and we can't dwell on the past. Don't let it destroy your relationship instead let it enhance it. I know with the bouts ofanger and frustration that comes with cycling, you think how can a relationship be established. Well Noah built a boat when it had never rained before, and he did it by blind faith in God. Believing what God had promised Him and His family if only He would be faithful and do as God commanded. Low and behold, He built that boat and it began to rain. The act of believing and faith in God saved Him and His whole family.
You and your family have to have that kind of attitude. That even though I may not see the end of the road or the end to all this mess that Bipolar can be, I am going to step out by faith and believe God is with me and He will guide me and my family through. When everything is not as you dreamed it to be and no one dreamed of being Bipolar, hopelessness can dominate your life. We can hold on with open hands, knowing that we have hope because God is faithful.
Just remember that cycling is just a process that we with Bipolar have to deal with and with that down there is always a up. It makes a complete circle a circle of love that makes you complete and unique and who God made you to be. So just roll with punches and don't fret because if today is a bad day ( and we all have them-Bipolar or not), as the old song goes, "the sun's coming up in the morning." So with that holds new promises of God's love.
It is imperative that you get a doctor that you like and can honest with. It is also imperative that you stay in contact with that doctor if you are having major cycling. Most of all you must take your medicine everyday. Now that it is pretty outside it is also helpful to get out as often as you can and get some sunlight. I have trouble with this because I don't work and I stay in the house alot.
For those family members out there that have members with bipolar please try and be patient. You can try to understand what the person is going through but you never really can. You can be compassionate and pray for that person. You can be a friend and listen. Often times that is what we need the most, and I know you want to try to fix things especially if you have children with Bipolar. But there is no fixing, there is stabilizing and maintaining a good healthy relationship.
I am sorry for all the things that we put our family members through, and I am sure most Bipolar people are, but it is what it is and we can't dwell on the past. Don't let it destroy your relationship instead let it enhance it. I know with the bouts ofanger and frustration that comes with cycling, you think how can a relationship be established. Well Noah built a boat when it had never rained before, and he did it by blind faith in God. Believing what God had promised Him and His family if only He would be faithful and do as God commanded. Low and behold, He built that boat and it began to rain. The act of believing and faith in God saved Him and His whole family.
You and your family have to have that kind of attitude. That even though I may not see the end of the road or the end to all this mess that Bipolar can be, I am going to step out by faith and believe God is with me and He will guide me and my family through. When everything is not as you dreamed it to be and no one dreamed of being Bipolar, hopelessness can dominate your life. We can hold on with open hands, knowing that we have hope because God is faithful.
Just remember that cycling is just a process that we with Bipolar have to deal with and with that down there is always a up. It makes a complete circle a circle of love that makes you complete and unique and who God made you to be. So just roll with punches and don't fret because if today is a bad day ( and we all have them-Bipolar or not), as the old song goes, "the sun's coming up in the morning." So with that holds new promises of God's love.
Friday, March 18, 2011
God is Faithful
Just living with Bipolar Depression and Anxiety Disorder is hard work. You constantly have to check yourself for mood or state of mind that you are in. Mine changes very quickly like a grandfather clock back and forth. I wish the moods where not so sparatic, as by favorite artist, Shelia Walsh, states,"Life is tough, but God is faithful."
We have to see God's love in difficult times. During the deep bouts with depression, when you feel as no one is there God is. Also, during the highs, with insomnia nights, ridden with racing thoughts, and frustration God is there. God allows these times to happen for a reason. During the depression, He may want us to slow down and, "Be still and know that I am God." Mania is when you can get alot of reading, studying, and praying done. You just have to stop and look at some positives of the situation that you are in and allow God to be in the center of it.
During those times are often desperate and we feel all alone, but you are not alone. That is satan trying to allow yourself a pity party. I used to throw them for myself, like no one understands me and no one has it like I do. No they may not but everyone has their own cross to bear and if Bipolar or Depression is yours just realize there are people worse off than you. Your disease you are not going to die from, what about those with cancer that daily live with the fact whether they are going to live or die? So it is as bad as we make it out to be. Call to Jesus and say as the old hymn states, "Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling."
Come to Jesus and live. Not just live a everday ho hum life but a victorious life. Does that mean no bad days or days of distress. No! God promises while we are in this fleshly body we are going to have trials and tribulations. Each his or her own battle to fight, but we don't have to do it alone. He is our source of strength and shield. My rock of my salvation. Just remember one day we won't have to live in this old body any more, we will be made perfect like Him.
So remember when you are down there are things that we can be thankful for. Depression can't steal your memories. It can't rob you true joy, if you don't allow it to. It can't touch your eternity. It will not remove you of God's care and it will not stop you from being loved or loving others.
That is one thing that I find very satisfying is loving others. God commands us in the Bible to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to keep His commandments. We are to also love others as ourselves. If we do these two things, we can't go wrong.
I leave you with these words of a song by Shelia Walsh, "Are you weary, are you frightened? When you go to bed, do you leave the light on? When the cold wind blows to disturb your peace, do you lock the door so no else can see? Broken promises have left their mark on you. In your unbelief, one thing you must hold on to.
When the road becomes too rough, when you're ready to give up, when you're crying out for love, God is faithful. When your peace cannot be found, He will never let you down, you have chosen solid ground. God is faithful."
We have to see God's love in difficult times. During the deep bouts with depression, when you feel as no one is there God is. Also, during the highs, with insomnia nights, ridden with racing thoughts, and frustration God is there. God allows these times to happen for a reason. During the depression, He may want us to slow down and, "Be still and know that I am God." Mania is when you can get alot of reading, studying, and praying done. You just have to stop and look at some positives of the situation that you are in and allow God to be in the center of it.
During those times are often desperate and we feel all alone, but you are not alone. That is satan trying to allow yourself a pity party. I used to throw them for myself, like no one understands me and no one has it like I do. No they may not but everyone has their own cross to bear and if Bipolar or Depression is yours just realize there are people worse off than you. Your disease you are not going to die from, what about those with cancer that daily live with the fact whether they are going to live or die? So it is as bad as we make it out to be. Call to Jesus and say as the old hymn states, "Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling."
Come to Jesus and live. Not just live a everday ho hum life but a victorious life. Does that mean no bad days or days of distress. No! God promises while we are in this fleshly body we are going to have trials and tribulations. Each his or her own battle to fight, but we don't have to do it alone. He is our source of strength and shield. My rock of my salvation. Just remember one day we won't have to live in this old body any more, we will be made perfect like Him.
So remember when you are down there are things that we can be thankful for. Depression can't steal your memories. It can't rob you true joy, if you don't allow it to. It can't touch your eternity. It will not remove you of God's care and it will not stop you from being loved or loving others.
That is one thing that I find very satisfying is loving others. God commands us in the Bible to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to keep His commandments. We are to also love others as ourselves. If we do these two things, we can't go wrong.
I leave you with these words of a song by Shelia Walsh, "Are you weary, are you frightened? When you go to bed, do you leave the light on? When the cold wind blows to disturb your peace, do you lock the door so no else can see? Broken promises have left their mark on you. In your unbelief, one thing you must hold on to.
When the road becomes too rough, when you're ready to give up, when you're crying out for love, God is faithful. When your peace cannot be found, He will never let you down, you have chosen solid ground. God is faithful."
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
BEEcoming a Worker Bee
You see our Lord is such a gentleman that He doesn't force Himself on anyone. He patiently waits for you to come back to Him. He never moved. So that is where I am at, at His feet drawning from His gracious love and mercy.
I still have my days where everything is not so peachy as we like to call it. I have been sick with a migraine for the past 3 days and had to get a shot for it. Days like this I struggle, I just want to feel better and have God take the pain away. Sometimes He does and sometimes He has us to wait awhile.
One thing that I learned to do because I had felt like I had accomplished so many things in the past, but wasn't moving forward now was make a list of goals. The Bible says, " where there is no vision the people will perish." So I needed a vision for my life. Write 5 personal goals, 5 family goals, and 5 spiritual goals. This will help you work on things you want to accomplish in your life. It sets your mind on positive things that you are not idle.
When I get idle, is when my depression creeps up. I began to dwell on things of the past. Why I don't know those things are forgiven. Was Jesus blood not good enough for me for for those things that I did, that I can't be forgiven of them? That is what I am basically saying is that His sacrifice was not enough for my sins and I can't be forgiven. I know that not to be true so why dwell on the past. The Bible says, "look to the things that are before me." That is where my list comes into place. Read them daily to remind yourself of those goals that you have set for yourself.
Depression is an awful illness because it not only affects you but the people around you. It is usually the ones closest to us. I finally received help when I realized my boys where being affected by it. My husband was a grown man and he understood some of what I was going through, but my boys just knew Mommy was sick. I didn't want them growing up thinking Mommy was sick so I got help. I still have those days of blues and that is ok, but I relish in the fact that it is not going to conquer me. I will have a better day tomorrow. I also don't beat myself up for it either. I just have my day where I sleep a little more or do a little less, but I always try to do a little something so I can feel good about that accomplishment.
I called this title beecoming a worker bee because having bipolar and anxiety disorder, is work. It is daily working on my mental state, attitude and walk with the Lord. Not that everyday is perfect, but we can get to a point where the highs are not so high and lows are not so low and the changes are farther apart. Just today slow down enough that you can see the fingerprints of the Lord in your life.
I still have my days where everything is not so peachy as we like to call it. I have been sick with a migraine for the past 3 days and had to get a shot for it. Days like this I struggle, I just want to feel better and have God take the pain away. Sometimes He does and sometimes He has us to wait awhile.
One thing that I learned to do because I had felt like I had accomplished so many things in the past, but wasn't moving forward now was make a list of goals. The Bible says, " where there is no vision the people will perish." So I needed a vision for my life. Write 5 personal goals, 5 family goals, and 5 spiritual goals. This will help you work on things you want to accomplish in your life. It sets your mind on positive things that you are not idle.
When I get idle, is when my depression creeps up. I began to dwell on things of the past. Why I don't know those things are forgiven. Was Jesus blood not good enough for me for for those things that I did, that I can't be forgiven of them? That is what I am basically saying is that His sacrifice was not enough for my sins and I can't be forgiven. I know that not to be true so why dwell on the past. The Bible says, "look to the things that are before me." That is where my list comes into place. Read them daily to remind yourself of those goals that you have set for yourself.
Depression is an awful illness because it not only affects you but the people around you. It is usually the ones closest to us. I finally received help when I realized my boys where being affected by it. My husband was a grown man and he understood some of what I was going through, but my boys just knew Mommy was sick. I didn't want them growing up thinking Mommy was sick so I got help. I still have those days of blues and that is ok, but I relish in the fact that it is not going to conquer me. I will have a better day tomorrow. I also don't beat myself up for it either. I just have my day where I sleep a little more or do a little less, but I always try to do a little something so I can feel good about that accomplishment.
I called this title beecoming a worker bee because having bipolar and anxiety disorder, is work. It is daily working on my mental state, attitude and walk with the Lord. Not that everyday is perfect, but we can get to a point where the highs are not so high and lows are not so low and the changes are farther apart. Just today slow down enough that you can see the fingerprints of the Lord in your life.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Becoming a real Bee
Let me remind you why I use Bees all the time, the way a Bee is shaped he shouldn't be able to fly. But he does, because that is what God created him to do. I was ready to become that bee. Not an overnight process, but a day to day walk with my Bipolar and Anxiety Disorder.
You see I was overcome with grief also. I had lost my Mom just a few years ago and I had never dealt with that, so it was time. I remembered the nurse telling me a tactic to use that may help overcome grief. Write my Mom a letter, and tell her everything I thought she needed to know. So I did, I told her everything, my depression, my anger, and my resentment. I went to the graveside and I read the letter out loud so I could hear the words, then I burned it. I let it on fire never to pick it up again. My grief was gone no longer to be shackled by it. I still miss her deeply and always will, but I can now go on and live my life and wait till the day I get to see her in Heaven.
Now to deal with the anxiety and depression, I decided to go see a Christian counselor again.
I began to learn that God allowing me to have this disease was not a punishment nor a curse (even though it felt like it). I was chosen for a reason because in His infinite wisdom He has a purpose for everything. He had a purpose for my life beyond the Bipolar.
I was doing better with the anxiety. I still take 3 pills a day for it, but it is managed. I was having troubles in crowds like staying in church, and the grocery stores and stuff, but even that has gotten better. I have come to realize that I am going to be alright and nothing is going to happen to me.
I started to deal with my Spiritual wall also. I had left God so many years ago and now I wanted and desired a deep personal relationship with Him again. I knew I was saved, as we Baptist call it, I was backsliden. I was way, way back. But all it took was, what I call a coming to Jesus meeting, and getting serious first with my confession of sins, then a deep yearning and transparency with the Lord. I was assigned Bible readings by my counselor and we would discuss them. I was truly thirsting for Him and His word and that hadn't happened in years.
So as you see you can get past the feelings of being cursed by God for your disease or ailment. I did and I am no one special just a child of God, and He is calling for you to come home. So as my favorite artist Mandisa sings, "take the shackles off my feet, and I want to dance, I want to dance, take the shackles off my feet, I just want to praise you, I just want to praise you." Let that be your prayer to overcome the bondage of your disease. No I am not cured, but I am beginning to learn how to live in God's will. I will continue to share my story.
You see I was overcome with grief also. I had lost my Mom just a few years ago and I had never dealt with that, so it was time. I remembered the nurse telling me a tactic to use that may help overcome grief. Write my Mom a letter, and tell her everything I thought she needed to know. So I did, I told her everything, my depression, my anger, and my resentment. I went to the graveside and I read the letter out loud so I could hear the words, then I burned it. I let it on fire never to pick it up again. My grief was gone no longer to be shackled by it. I still miss her deeply and always will, but I can now go on and live my life and wait till the day I get to see her in Heaven.
Now to deal with the anxiety and depression, I decided to go see a Christian counselor again.
I began to learn that God allowing me to have this disease was not a punishment nor a curse (even though it felt like it). I was chosen for a reason because in His infinite wisdom He has a purpose for everything. He had a purpose for my life beyond the Bipolar.
I was doing better with the anxiety. I still take 3 pills a day for it, but it is managed. I was having troubles in crowds like staying in church, and the grocery stores and stuff, but even that has gotten better. I have come to realize that I am going to be alright and nothing is going to happen to me.
I started to deal with my Spiritual wall also. I had left God so many years ago and now I wanted and desired a deep personal relationship with Him again. I knew I was saved, as we Baptist call it, I was backsliden. I was way, way back. But all it took was, what I call a coming to Jesus meeting, and getting serious first with my confession of sins, then a deep yearning and transparency with the Lord. I was assigned Bible readings by my counselor and we would discuss them. I was truly thirsting for Him and His word and that hadn't happened in years.
So as you see you can get past the feelings of being cursed by God for your disease or ailment. I did and I am no one special just a child of God, and He is calling for you to come home. So as my favorite artist Mandisa sings, "take the shackles off my feet, and I want to dance, I want to dance, take the shackles off my feet, I just want to praise you, I just want to praise you." Let that be your prayer to overcome the bondage of your disease. No I am not cured, but I am beginning to learn how to live in God's will. I will continue to share my story.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Where do I Buzz from here?
I was free!! Free to fly on my own, and put my actions to the test. No I was not healed of Bipolar, but I was no longer going to let Bipolar rule me. My homecoming was a new beginning. But I was still having this undertone of unhappiness. It was still grief that I had not dealt with.
I went from being angry at God to being angry at my Mom for leaving me. If you have ever lost a loved one, you probably understand this. I didn't deal with it and it began to fester inside of me. I was listening to the lies of Satan and not the promises of God. Like, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." She was no longer suffering, but selfish me wanted her back. I needed my Momma.
My relationship with my husband was stronger because I learned how to communicate my feelings in a better and healthier way. My family and extended family where all great, but my relationship with the Lord was once again one sided. Why one sided? Because He was there, but I was not putting any effort in to allow the relationship to grow. Once again I had put God on a shelf, there for when I REALLY needed Him. So I wasn't praying and I wasn't reading my Bible and my church attendance began to slip again, and I am the Preacher's wife. So if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
So I began to revert back to some old ways. Being a pessimist and not an optimist. I began once again using my Bipolar as an excuse not really bad just here and there when I really didn't want to do something for if it took to much effort. It can become an excuse and a crutch in our lives if we allow it too. It can rule us instead of us ruling it. Satan uses his favorite devices like negativity to play a role in a person's mind especially if they are dealing with issues. He will use anything to keep us from doing God's work.
I was getting depressed again. I was forgetting all of the things that I had been taught and I knew to be true. I can't was beginning to creep back in my vocabulary. I knew all the promises of God and all the practical tactics in my head, but I wasn't believing them in my heart. Until then I was never going to get on top of this mountain I was climbing. So where do I go from here?
I went from being angry at God to being angry at my Mom for leaving me. If you have ever lost a loved one, you probably understand this. I didn't deal with it and it began to fester inside of me. I was listening to the lies of Satan and not the promises of God. Like, "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." She was no longer suffering, but selfish me wanted her back. I needed my Momma.
My relationship with my husband was stronger because I learned how to communicate my feelings in a better and healthier way. My family and extended family where all great, but my relationship with the Lord was once again one sided. Why one sided? Because He was there, but I was not putting any effort in to allow the relationship to grow. Once again I had put God on a shelf, there for when I REALLY needed Him. So I wasn't praying and I wasn't reading my Bible and my church attendance began to slip again, and I am the Preacher's wife. So if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
So I began to revert back to some old ways. Being a pessimist and not an optimist. I began once again using my Bipolar as an excuse not really bad just here and there when I really didn't want to do something for if it took to much effort. It can become an excuse and a crutch in our lives if we allow it too. It can rule us instead of us ruling it. Satan uses his favorite devices like negativity to play a role in a person's mind especially if they are dealing with issues. He will use anything to keep us from doing God's work.
I was getting depressed again. I was forgetting all of the things that I had been taught and I knew to be true. I can't was beginning to creep back in my vocabulary. I knew all the promises of God and all the practical tactics in my head, but I wasn't believing them in my heart. Until then I was never going to get on top of this mountain I was climbing. So where do I go from here?
Friday, March 11, 2011
This Bee learning the Buzz
So they moved me from the observation room to this regular hospital room with a room mate. I didn't see her at first but I was nervous. When she came in, I was so excited. She told me her story with her own issues and I told her mine. She was great! She encouraged me to get out as much as possible from the hospital so I wouldn't have to come back. Most everyone is repeat visitors.
So I really listened to the therapists and they all referred to having tools in your tool box. I thought that was weird because I am not a carpenter, but that meant having ways and plans to counteract the reason why we where in the hospital in the first place. I learned that I needed to change my vocabulary and not use "I can't!" anymore. Why you say I can't? Because we use that as an excuse to not do things that are a little hard or uncomfortable. We use our disease as a crutch.
Well, I thought I don't do that. Well, yes I did. Not cleaning my house, not going to church, not going to functions of my boys. It was always an excuse of I can't when I could but it just took too much effort. Well I have anxiety and I will have an attack, so what it only lasts about 15 minutes at the most and you get over it. You are not going to die from being uncomfortable or putting to much effort in. These were the things I was learning and they were true.
Visitation time was tough for me because my boys where not old enough to see me and I didn't want them to see me or some of the others in the condition that we where. My husband always came and family members came and that was encouraging. My husband always came to family family and he participated. He wanted to learn how to help me so they went over a lot of the same things they went over in therapy. My wonderful mother in law (she's really like my Mom) kept my children during the stay in the hospital and got my boys where they needed to be. For that giving them a stable enviroment was more than I could ever ask for and I will forever be appreciative for that.
Second day, had second panic attack while walking down the hall and my case worker helped me with that one. She taught me the 5 senses. Taste, tough, smell, hear, and see. Start listing 5 things that you are observing with each sense and by the time you finish the attack is gone because you are back in reality and you are ok.
So this hospital stay lasted 5 days and it was much of the same but no more panic attacks that where unmanagable and I was ready with the help of many hours of therapy and counseling to come home. The true test was when I came home if I could put it into practice.
Please continue reading as there will be more to come. But I am thankful for God using those family included who helped me and encouraged and prayed for me during that time. That is what got me through.
So I really listened to the therapists and they all referred to having tools in your tool box. I thought that was weird because I am not a carpenter, but that meant having ways and plans to counteract the reason why we where in the hospital in the first place. I learned that I needed to change my vocabulary and not use "I can't!" anymore. Why you say I can't? Because we use that as an excuse to not do things that are a little hard or uncomfortable. We use our disease as a crutch.
Well, I thought I don't do that. Well, yes I did. Not cleaning my house, not going to church, not going to functions of my boys. It was always an excuse of I can't when I could but it just took too much effort. Well I have anxiety and I will have an attack, so what it only lasts about 15 minutes at the most and you get over it. You are not going to die from being uncomfortable or putting to much effort in. These were the things I was learning and they were true.
Visitation time was tough for me because my boys where not old enough to see me and I didn't want them to see me or some of the others in the condition that we where. My husband always came and family members came and that was encouraging. My husband always came to family family and he participated. He wanted to learn how to help me so they went over a lot of the same things they went over in therapy. My wonderful mother in law (she's really like my Mom) kept my children during the stay in the hospital and got my boys where they needed to be. For that giving them a stable enviroment was more than I could ever ask for and I will forever be appreciative for that.
Second day, had second panic attack while walking down the hall and my case worker helped me with that one. She taught me the 5 senses. Taste, tough, smell, hear, and see. Start listing 5 things that you are observing with each sense and by the time you finish the attack is gone because you are back in reality and you are ok.
So this hospital stay lasted 5 days and it was much of the same but no more panic attacks that where unmanagable and I was ready with the help of many hours of therapy and counseling to come home. The true test was when I came home if I could put it into practice.
Please continue reading as there will be more to come. But I am thankful for God using those family included who helped me and encouraged and prayed for me during that time. That is what got me through.
BEEginning to Heal
So there I was all night in this worst situation every and I finely had feelings again and I finally cried out to God and He heard me. That was a large step for me because I had left God along time ago being angry about my disease. Now I knew I couldn't do this without Him. But everything was still not peachy.
While I was home bound for 6 months, because of depression I let everything go. My weight, my church attendance and even my house cleaning. My weight was great because I had lost 100 pounds until my doctor put me on Lithium which caused weight gain. I steadily was gaining weight and he never saw I was getting more depressed because of it. (Make sure your doctors listen to you!) I gained all the weight back. Another factor in my depression. I have always been very proud of where God has blessed us where we live and right now we are really blessed by the church and the beautiful home that they allow us to live in. In that pride, I have always kept a clean house until now. Clothes where piled everywhere, trash and cups left on every table and end table possible. I can't in words describe to you how bad it was, but it burdened me and I didn't have the strength to pick it up.
God in His wonderful mercy laid it on my families heart to clean my house while I was in the hospital. Words will never be able to express my gratitude for that because that was a large burden lifted for when I came home.
So I woke up the next day to a wonderful nurse asking me alot of questions about why I was here. I told him I was in deep grief, depressed and suicidal. He asked me how I felt at that point and I told him better and I told Him about me praying. He asked me and made me promise not to hurt myself and I promised. So I went down to the cafeteria and ate breakfast and everyone was so nice to me. It was like ok God this is going to be all right.
I went to every group therapy, family therapy with my husband, and spiritual therapy possible because I needed answers to get well. I learned something from all of the therapist and that was a blessing that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time. Then it came medicine time and the doctor began to make changes no more Lithium (yeah!) and I was taken from 5 anxiety pills to three. Oh Lord what am I going to do. I can't handle dealing with all this with all this anxiety. So the nurse said we will help you deal with it.
The first full day I had a full blown panic attack and the nurse came in and taught me a relaxation technique. I learned how to lay down on my back and relax each muscle starting with my toes all the way to my head. It was a hard process for me because it was foreign. I always stayed uptight, but all the while she is talking to me and stroking my arm. I began crying and the told her about my mother passing away, and she apologized. I said no thank you because while she was stroking my arm her hands felt just like my mother's hand and it was comforting me. I told her about my anger towards my mother and she told me to write it down and burn it and I said ok I will, but I just filed that bit of information for later.
It's amazing how God puts us where we need to be, not necessarily where we want to be. He provides people (family, nurse, etc.) to help us along the journey. We are never alone. He is always there working and providing exactly what we need at exactly the right time. More to come on this journey of my hospital stay!
While I was home bound for 6 months, because of depression I let everything go. My weight, my church attendance and even my house cleaning. My weight was great because I had lost 100 pounds until my doctor put me on Lithium which caused weight gain. I steadily was gaining weight and he never saw I was getting more depressed because of it. (Make sure your doctors listen to you!) I gained all the weight back. Another factor in my depression. I have always been very proud of where God has blessed us where we live and right now we are really blessed by the church and the beautiful home that they allow us to live in. In that pride, I have always kept a clean house until now. Clothes where piled everywhere, trash and cups left on every table and end table possible. I can't in words describe to you how bad it was, but it burdened me and I didn't have the strength to pick it up.
God in His wonderful mercy laid it on my families heart to clean my house while I was in the hospital. Words will never be able to express my gratitude for that because that was a large burden lifted for when I came home.
So I woke up the next day to a wonderful nurse asking me alot of questions about why I was here. I told him I was in deep grief, depressed and suicidal. He asked me how I felt at that point and I told him better and I told Him about me praying. He asked me and made me promise not to hurt myself and I promised. So I went down to the cafeteria and ate breakfast and everyone was so nice to me. It was like ok God this is going to be all right.
I went to every group therapy, family therapy with my husband, and spiritual therapy possible because I needed answers to get well. I learned something from all of the therapist and that was a blessing that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time. Then it came medicine time and the doctor began to make changes no more Lithium (yeah!) and I was taken from 5 anxiety pills to three. Oh Lord what am I going to do. I can't handle dealing with all this with all this anxiety. So the nurse said we will help you deal with it.
The first full day I had a full blown panic attack and the nurse came in and taught me a relaxation technique. I learned how to lay down on my back and relax each muscle starting with my toes all the way to my head. It was a hard process for me because it was foreign. I always stayed uptight, but all the while she is talking to me and stroking my arm. I began crying and the told her about my mother passing away, and she apologized. I said no thank you because while she was stroking my arm her hands felt just like my mother's hand and it was comforting me. I told her about my anger towards my mother and she told me to write it down and burn it and I said ok I will, but I just filed that bit of information for later.
It's amazing how God puts us where we need to be, not necessarily where we want to be. He provides people (family, nurse, etc.) to help us along the journey. We are never alone. He is always there working and providing exactly what we need at exactly the right time. More to come on this journey of my hospital stay!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Bee Hitting a Flyswatter
Well, getting to the point that I am now was a hard journey. I lived many years in such a state of depression and denial. Then something terrible happened just when you think you can't take anymore my Mother passed away at a very young age. Not her Lord, she was the only one that really listened and understood me. She was the refuge I went to instead of going into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. She took care of me that week and watched me as I was her little girl all over again. With all my issues Lord, why are you now adding grief?
So I was grieving, depressed and lonely. Not a good combination to have. They just played on each other, but all the while I had family worried about me and praying for me. I didn't grieve properly (if there is such a thing). I stayed in the blaming God phase for taking my mother so soon. My youngest wouldn't remember her and I needed her and who has a right to take a women that is so great away. She was the best example of a Godly Mother, the best Nana, and most of all the best Christian women I know, so why her Lord? I stopped praying and reading my Bible. My church attendance got very lazy and I just wanted her back and He (God) took her from me (or so I thought).
I stayed like a zombie because I was so heavily medicated. I don't remember a lot about those few years except that I was not being who God created to be and I had lost myself in my own self pity.
I went to Church Camp and slept the whole week practically in the cabin overwhelmed with depression and a migraine. Many where worried about me and I just wanted to run away. That has been my answer to it all run away from everything and never look back. When I run out of gas and money, that is where I will be. Never realizing my issues would go with me. I missed out on so much of life and activities with my family and my relationship with the Lord was practically non-existent. He never moved but I felt as if I couldn't pray anymore and didn't get anything from reading my Bible. That happens when you allow Satan to have rule and reign over your thoughts for so many years.
Then one day I snapped and I grabbed the razor and I was going to finally end it all and go be with my Momma and my husband walked in. He immediately realized what was going on and said get dressed you are going to the Hospital. Well I thought great now I can get away from it all. How sadly was I mistaken. We went and they committed me for major depression with suicidal thoughts. I thought I would stay a few days sleep all day and get my much needed vacation. Oh, I was so wrong. As I was escorted in a wheelchair up to the floor, a policeman had to go with me. Then I realized this must be serious. Then they began processing me and checking my things in. They searched me and took away everything but the clothes on my back and a picture of my family.
I was placed in the observation room for the night. It was the scariest place in the world to me. I hated being so alone in a room with someone coming in every so often checking on you. I then finally cried and I cried out to the Lord for help and strength. I needed Him. Why is it that we have to get so down and deep into a situation before we cry out to God for help. If something was happening to my children and they called for me I would immediately come running. Well that is what I did was a cried unto Jesus but he didn't have to come running. He was already there. I just didn't realize it.
So I was grieving, depressed and lonely. Not a good combination to have. They just played on each other, but all the while I had family worried about me and praying for me. I didn't grieve properly (if there is such a thing). I stayed in the blaming God phase for taking my mother so soon. My youngest wouldn't remember her and I needed her and who has a right to take a women that is so great away. She was the best example of a Godly Mother, the best Nana, and most of all the best Christian women I know, so why her Lord? I stopped praying and reading my Bible. My church attendance got very lazy and I just wanted her back and He (God) took her from me (or so I thought).
I stayed like a zombie because I was so heavily medicated. I don't remember a lot about those few years except that I was not being who God created to be and I had lost myself in my own self pity.
I went to Church Camp and slept the whole week practically in the cabin overwhelmed with depression and a migraine. Many where worried about me and I just wanted to run away. That has been my answer to it all run away from everything and never look back. When I run out of gas and money, that is where I will be. Never realizing my issues would go with me. I missed out on so much of life and activities with my family and my relationship with the Lord was practically non-existent. He never moved but I felt as if I couldn't pray anymore and didn't get anything from reading my Bible. That happens when you allow Satan to have rule and reign over your thoughts for so many years.
Then one day I snapped and I grabbed the razor and I was going to finally end it all and go be with my Momma and my husband walked in. He immediately realized what was going on and said get dressed you are going to the Hospital. Well I thought great now I can get away from it all. How sadly was I mistaken. We went and they committed me for major depression with suicidal thoughts. I thought I would stay a few days sleep all day and get my much needed vacation. Oh, I was so wrong. As I was escorted in a wheelchair up to the floor, a policeman had to go with me. Then I realized this must be serious. Then they began processing me and checking my things in. They searched me and took away everything but the clothes on my back and a picture of my family.
I was placed in the observation room for the night. It was the scariest place in the world to me. I hated being so alone in a room with someone coming in every so often checking on you. I then finally cried and I cried out to the Lord for help and strength. I needed Him. Why is it that we have to get so down and deep into a situation before we cry out to God for help. If something was happening to my children and they called for me I would immediately come running. Well that is what I did was a cried unto Jesus but he didn't have to come running. He was already there. I just didn't realize it.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
My Bee History
So I was diagnosed there you have it. I was doomed or so I thought. Why me Lord? What have I done? I will do better, but all the while He is thinking I chose you that's why. I will never give you more than you can handle. But at that time that was the furtherest thing from my mind. I was angry and I was angry at God! I wouldn't admit to it but I know it now.
So I went for years going back and forth to the doctor with this med problem or this depression issue. I would get so low and deep and dark I couldn't even look up or around me to see the people that loved me and were praying for me. I soon found out the issues with bipolar like feeling good so you stop taking meds. It is very common but it is very dangerous and not at all the thing to do. I would spiral into depression and then jump into the mania like a rocket full blast. Now I never have had full mania episodes that I do outlandish things. I just severe insomnia (that soon will cause a migraine) and lots of cleaning and crafting. I am really creative in a manic like most people are.
I started going to a Christian counselor after a couple of years and she was great, but I always felt like I heard what she was saying but I couldn't apply it to my own life. This case is different. Don't you get it Christians aren't supposed to be depressed. I am saved. I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and I am a Preacher's wife this isn't supposed to happen to me maybe they are all wrong. All the while I couldn't see my destructive behavior by shutting out my husband and getting so low that I stayed in bed for days without showering or brushing my teeth (gross I know)!
I never really got settled in the fact that if Jesus doesn't heal me of this (which was my prayer) I needed to accept it. I wouldn't be alone. But that is what I felt all alone for many years. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Even though I had a great support system in my husband, in my church, and in my family, I couldn't let them in because they didn't need to see the real me. So I hid behind a mask!! Mask no more, I have been freed from that bondage of embarrassment and I wear my cross to bare close to my heart with God's help. We make it day by day!
So I went for years going back and forth to the doctor with this med problem or this depression issue. I would get so low and deep and dark I couldn't even look up or around me to see the people that loved me and were praying for me. I soon found out the issues with bipolar like feeling good so you stop taking meds. It is very common but it is very dangerous and not at all the thing to do. I would spiral into depression and then jump into the mania like a rocket full blast. Now I never have had full mania episodes that I do outlandish things. I just severe insomnia (that soon will cause a migraine) and lots of cleaning and crafting. I am really creative in a manic like most people are.
I started going to a Christian counselor after a couple of years and she was great, but I always felt like I heard what she was saying but I couldn't apply it to my own life. This case is different. Don't you get it Christians aren't supposed to be depressed. I am saved. I have the Holy Spirit inside of me and I am a Preacher's wife this isn't supposed to happen to me maybe they are all wrong. All the while I couldn't see my destructive behavior by shutting out my husband and getting so low that I stayed in bed for days without showering or brushing my teeth (gross I know)!
I never really got settled in the fact that if Jesus doesn't heal me of this (which was my prayer) I needed to accept it. I wouldn't be alone. But that is what I felt all alone for many years. Loneliness is an awful feeling. Even though I had a great support system in my husband, in my church, and in my family, I couldn't let them in because they didn't need to see the real me. So I hid behind a mask!! Mask no more, I have been freed from that bondage of embarrassment and I wear my cross to bare close to my heart with God's help. We make it day by day!
Little Bee Growing into Big Bee History
As far back as I can remember, I was always hard on myself. A little bit of a control freak you would say. My way or the highway kind of thing. Always straight A's and always never feeling like I could do enough for attention from my parents. They were awesome, loving, yet firm Christian parents.
Then about the age of 13 or so I became real emotional especially around the time of my cycle. I had extreme cramps and so very much on a roller coaster of emotions. I was put on the pill at age 16 to try to counteract this problem. That helped for many years.
As I got a little bit older and got married at age 23, I noticed that during that time I would have these fits of rage come over me and then wonder why I just did that. I would lash out at my husband so bad that I can't believe he never left my side. I would throw things, yell, scream and say really awful stuff and then after it was over I would have so much remorse and he always forgave me.
So I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and put me on my first antidepressants, Celexa. I soon found out I was pregnant in 2000 and he took me off during the first trimester and realized that I was suffering from Depression. He put me back on them during the second trimester and from then on. I did great till I got pregnant for the second time in 2003 and he had to take me off the meds for the second time during the first trimester. Then back on during the second.
After my second child was born things really changed. I started having these awful mood changes of having boundless energy and going with no sleep to being depressed and so low that I would often want to run away.
It then began to be a roller coaster of cycles of meds to try to get things under control. On October 26, 2005 I heard the awful words that you are Bipolar with an Anxiety Disorder.
I was shocked. The doctor was great and he tried to explain to me what was going on with the cycles of mania and depression. No matter how he explained it. It was ugly and I thought that only crazy people were Bipolar. I thought I don't want this and I want it to go away.
I wrote in my journal that I was embarrassed by it because I didn't want people thinking is she high or is she low and what to do around me. I just wanted to be normal whatever that was!!!!
Then about the age of 13 or so I became real emotional especially around the time of my cycle. I had extreme cramps and so very much on a roller coaster of emotions. I was put on the pill at age 16 to try to counteract this problem. That helped for many years.
As I got a little bit older and got married at age 23, I noticed that during that time I would have these fits of rage come over me and then wonder why I just did that. I would lash out at my husband so bad that I can't believe he never left my side. I would throw things, yell, scream and say really awful stuff and then after it was over I would have so much remorse and he always forgave me.
So I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and put me on my first antidepressants, Celexa. I soon found out I was pregnant in 2000 and he took me off during the first trimester and realized that I was suffering from Depression. He put me back on them during the second trimester and from then on. I did great till I got pregnant for the second time in 2003 and he had to take me off the meds for the second time during the first trimester. Then back on during the second.
After my second child was born things really changed. I started having these awful mood changes of having boundless energy and going with no sleep to being depressed and so low that I would often want to run away.
It then began to be a roller coaster of cycles of meds to try to get things under control. On October 26, 2005 I heard the awful words that you are Bipolar with an Anxiety Disorder.
I was shocked. The doctor was great and he tried to explain to me what was going on with the cycles of mania and depression. No matter how he explained it. It was ugly and I thought that only crazy people were Bipolar. I thought I don't want this and I want it to go away.
I wrote in my journal that I was embarrassed by it because I didn't want people thinking is she high or is she low and what to do around me. I just wanted to be normal whatever that was!!!!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Buzz on Me and My Mission
Hi!!! My name is Cindy Hebert and I have Bipolar with Anxiety Disorder. However, that is just my disease not who I am. I am a Christian, a Mother of two boys, a Sister, a Daughter, and a Preacher's Wife. Most of all I want to be a friend.
I love my life, but there are things that I don't like. I will share with you the ups and downs I have had dealing with both disorders. They are not a death sentence like a used to think and they really can enrich your life if you learn how to use your positives and not the negatives.
I have not always felt this way and I want to take you on my journey as to how I came to think that way and the major struggles I have had in the past. Through all of this God, my family, and my church have been by my side. I will share with you my life transparently.
By my saying all of this, I want to be a friend and a help others who are struggling with some of the same issues. Maybe it is just depression, maybe it is the loss of a loved one, maybe it is just anxiety but all of these can be an overwhelming cross to bear. I am by no means a doctor, a counselor, or a expert. I am just me with real life experiences that have changed my life.
God is my doctor and His word is my supreme expert. I haven't realized that for many years and really not until recently have I realized that. I have always been a pessimist and I am becoming more of an optimist with the Lord's help.
I chose the Buzz on Bipolar because I love bees. Not because they are busy and making sweet honey. In all reality, they can be awful pesty. No pun intended. A bee is not naturally or aerodynamically created to be able to fly, but they do. God created them to!! So they do and they do it often. That is what there main purpose is to do is fly and make a better environment for others like flowers. I want to be a BEE!! I want to be exactly what God created me to be and to make my environment better. I am not referring to reduce, reuse, and recycle. I am referring to making my own life, my family, my church, my community and my world a better place with God's help as He would have it to be. Even having Bipolar.
So stay in tune to the BUZZ on the life as a child of God with Bipolar.
I love my life, but there are things that I don't like. I will share with you the ups and downs I have had dealing with both disorders. They are not a death sentence like a used to think and they really can enrich your life if you learn how to use your positives and not the negatives.
I have not always felt this way and I want to take you on my journey as to how I came to think that way and the major struggles I have had in the past. Through all of this God, my family, and my church have been by my side. I will share with you my life transparently.
By my saying all of this, I want to be a friend and a help others who are struggling with some of the same issues. Maybe it is just depression, maybe it is the loss of a loved one, maybe it is just anxiety but all of these can be an overwhelming cross to bear. I am by no means a doctor, a counselor, or a expert. I am just me with real life experiences that have changed my life.
God is my doctor and His word is my supreme expert. I haven't realized that for many years and really not until recently have I realized that. I have always been a pessimist and I am becoming more of an optimist with the Lord's help.
I chose the Buzz on Bipolar because I love bees. Not because they are busy and making sweet honey. In all reality, they can be awful pesty. No pun intended. A bee is not naturally or aerodynamically created to be able to fly, but they do. God created them to!! So they do and they do it often. That is what there main purpose is to do is fly and make a better environment for others like flowers. I want to be a BEE!! I want to be exactly what God created me to be and to make my environment better. I am not referring to reduce, reuse, and recycle. I am referring to making my own life, my family, my church, my community and my world a better place with God's help as He would have it to be. Even having Bipolar.
So stay in tune to the BUZZ on the life as a child of God with Bipolar.
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