I have had a rough few days with low self-esteem and depression and my anxiety has hightened. I didn't know what to do. I was worrying that I was spiraling downwards and I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to fall into the deep pit again. I didn't really know why I was feeling this way, there was no rhyme or reason. Nothing had happened to make me feel this way.
I felt like a hypocrite cause I have been so good and I have been praising His name. Now here I was not adhering to my own advice. I did the only thing I knew to do was ask people to pray for me. I ask friends to pray for my mood and my state of mind. I have a great support system of people that love the Lord, and I believe they did because I slept all night last night and I woke up refreshed and ready to face the world today. No more depression.
When low self esteem and dount paralyze us, we can give up and accept the distorted image, or we can remember who we are in Christ. We are loved most of all. When we are in a depression or feeling low (because some won't admit it is depression), we have a Heavenly Father who cares. He cares and he uses people in our lives so show us sometimes when we can't see them ourselves.
I do have Bipolar and anxiety disorder, but when God looks at me that is not what He sees. I am overweight and need to lose alot, but God doesn't see that either. I have made many mistakes in the past and I am sure I will make more in the future, but when God looks as me He doesn't see that either. He sees a child of God that loves Him even when I can't express it. I trust in those moments that I am clouded with all that I think I am, that I need to recall God's promises that He is with me. Matthew 28:20, "...and low I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world."
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Season of Buzzing
Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." It is that way with Bipolar and depression. We go through moods or seasons at different times. I am struggling with depression for the last few days, not bad just enough where I don't really want to be bothered alot. But, the Bible says there is a purpose for every season, and I just have to find that purpose. Is it to slow down again and start reading my Bible more and praying again. Have I not been depending on Him enough?
You can let your emotions get in the way for what you know is true. I often as I have said revert back to the "I can't!," mentality. But I can, I just choose not too. I use my disease as an excuse for not doing things. But we where created to do things especially for the Lord. We were created to worship Him. So if I have to go through this season again, because maybe I didn't learn the last time around or for whatever reason.
I will once again fall at His feet with my broken praises and He will always accept me just as I am. Hebrews 13:5 says that He " will never leave thee nor forsake me." So gather all your pieces of yourself that you have become and know that we have a mighty God that never leaves. If our relsationship with Him becomes strayed it is not Him who has moved, we have and during a depression it is often backwards. But we need to do the opposite, we need to move toward Him. So that is what I am proclaiming, to take this season and move closer to Him.
When we do have those bad days, we need to relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for the small things that you did get done on that day. It may just be small like reading a verse or getting dressed. But be thankful that you did at least that. Try not to stay in the bed all day, try to accomplish one thing on your goals list. That is a list I told you about previously.
Speaking of the goals list, try weekly to do something on that list. It will help your mood and state of mind that you are accomplishing something no matter how big or small. Then add something every week and before you know it you will be having to make a new list of goals you want to accomplish. The Bible states in Romans 8:37, "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
You can let your emotions get in the way for what you know is true. I often as I have said revert back to the "I can't!," mentality. But I can, I just choose not too. I use my disease as an excuse for not doing things. But we where created to do things especially for the Lord. We were created to worship Him. So if I have to go through this season again, because maybe I didn't learn the last time around or for whatever reason.
I will once again fall at His feet with my broken praises and He will always accept me just as I am. Hebrews 13:5 says that He " will never leave thee nor forsake me." So gather all your pieces of yourself that you have become and know that we have a mighty God that never leaves. If our relsationship with Him becomes strayed it is not Him who has moved, we have and during a depression it is often backwards. But we need to do the opposite, we need to move toward Him. So that is what I am proclaiming, to take this season and move closer to Him.
When we do have those bad days, we need to relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for the small things that you did get done on that day. It may just be small like reading a verse or getting dressed. But be thankful that you did at least that. Try not to stay in the bed all day, try to accomplish one thing on your goals list. That is a list I told you about previously.
Speaking of the goals list, try weekly to do something on that list. It will help your mood and state of mind that you are accomplishing something no matter how big or small. Then add something every week and before you know it you will be having to make a new list of goals you want to accomplish. The Bible states in Romans 8:37, "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Church Buzz
This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a Sunday and I am very excited about going to Church, fellowshipping with His people, and worshipping and awesome Saviour.
But I haven't always felt that way, I used to dread going to Church. I am a Preacher's wife and I felt that there was added pressure on me. I was putting that pressure on myself not the Church. You see the Church my husband pastor's is the Church I grew up in. So it is a very unique situation. The people have known me all of my life, but I felt as if I had a role to play and I didn't even want to take a part.
I would use the words, "I can't," way to much as an excuse for not going. It is too hard to go and put the mask on of happiness when deep down inside I was crumbling. But I did it every now and then, and I resented my husband for it. I just wanted to be "normal" people, not all this preachy stuff with added responsibilities.
But boy am I glad, that Jesus didn't say, "I can't." The cross was a huge burden to bear and He came to earth for the sole purpose of going to the cross. His whole life was committed to that.
He carried the burden on our sins to Calvary and shed his blood for everyone. He loves us that much.
So I came to the realization that by not going to Church, I was missing a big part of my healing. I needed to be surrounded by God's people who loved me and care for me and where praying for me. I needed to be in the House of God, feeling His presence and hearing His word preached to me. But with the anxiety Disorder also, I had to realize nothing was going to happen to me.
So I began taking it slow, and getting back in Church. It is wonderful to see God's people that love our family and love the Lord so much. They are such an encouragement. I still have days where Satan tries to tempt me to stay at home it is much easier, but Jesus didn't take the easy way out and neither will I.
But I haven't always felt that way, I used to dread going to Church. I am a Preacher's wife and I felt that there was added pressure on me. I was putting that pressure on myself not the Church. You see the Church my husband pastor's is the Church I grew up in. So it is a very unique situation. The people have known me all of my life, but I felt as if I had a role to play and I didn't even want to take a part.
I would use the words, "I can't," way to much as an excuse for not going. It is too hard to go and put the mask on of happiness when deep down inside I was crumbling. But I did it every now and then, and I resented my husband for it. I just wanted to be "normal" people, not all this preachy stuff with added responsibilities.
But boy am I glad, that Jesus didn't say, "I can't." The cross was a huge burden to bear and He came to earth for the sole purpose of going to the cross. His whole life was committed to that.
He carried the burden on our sins to Calvary and shed his blood for everyone. He loves us that much.
So I came to the realization that by not going to Church, I was missing a big part of my healing. I needed to be surrounded by God's people who loved me and care for me and where praying for me. I needed to be in the House of God, feeling His presence and hearing His word preached to me. But with the anxiety Disorder also, I had to realize nothing was going to happen to me.
So I began taking it slow, and getting back in Church. It is wonderful to see God's people that love our family and love the Lord so much. They are such an encouragement. I still have days where Satan tries to tempt me to stay at home it is much easier, but Jesus didn't take the easy way out and neither will I.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
This Bee Buzzing in circles
A circle goes round and round. It goes down just to come back up and complete itself. It constantly is going in these directions to make a whole part or as we know it a circle. That is my life with Bipolar. I go round and round. I go down with depression just to come back up with a bout of mania. I don't swing very low anymore or swing very high because I am on the right medication. But when life is hard, we can give up or we can come to Jesus with our problems and wait patiently for His answer.
It is imperative that you get a doctor that you like and can honest with. It is also imperative that you stay in contact with that doctor if you are having major cycling. Most of all you must take your medicine everyday. Now that it is pretty outside it is also helpful to get out as often as you can and get some sunlight. I have trouble with this because I don't work and I stay in the house alot.
For those family members out there that have members with bipolar please try and be patient. You can try to understand what the person is going through but you never really can. You can be compassionate and pray for that person. You can be a friend and listen. Often times that is what we need the most, and I know you want to try to fix things especially if you have children with Bipolar. But there is no fixing, there is stabilizing and maintaining a good healthy relationship.
I am sorry for all the things that we put our family members through, and I am sure most Bipolar people are, but it is what it is and we can't dwell on the past. Don't let it destroy your relationship instead let it enhance it. I know with the bouts ofanger and frustration that comes with cycling, you think how can a relationship be established. Well Noah built a boat when it had never rained before, and he did it by blind faith in God. Believing what God had promised Him and His family if only He would be faithful and do as God commanded. Low and behold, He built that boat and it began to rain. The act of believing and faith in God saved Him and His whole family.
You and your family have to have that kind of attitude. That even though I may not see the end of the road or the end to all this mess that Bipolar can be, I am going to step out by faith and believe God is with me and He will guide me and my family through. When everything is not as you dreamed it to be and no one dreamed of being Bipolar, hopelessness can dominate your life. We can hold on with open hands, knowing that we have hope because God is faithful.
Just remember that cycling is just a process that we with Bipolar have to deal with and with that down there is always a up. It makes a complete circle a circle of love that makes you complete and unique and who God made you to be. So just roll with punches and don't fret because if today is a bad day ( and we all have them-Bipolar or not), as the old song goes, "the sun's coming up in the morning." So with that holds new promises of God's love.
It is imperative that you get a doctor that you like and can honest with. It is also imperative that you stay in contact with that doctor if you are having major cycling. Most of all you must take your medicine everyday. Now that it is pretty outside it is also helpful to get out as often as you can and get some sunlight. I have trouble with this because I don't work and I stay in the house alot.
For those family members out there that have members with bipolar please try and be patient. You can try to understand what the person is going through but you never really can. You can be compassionate and pray for that person. You can be a friend and listen. Often times that is what we need the most, and I know you want to try to fix things especially if you have children with Bipolar. But there is no fixing, there is stabilizing and maintaining a good healthy relationship.
I am sorry for all the things that we put our family members through, and I am sure most Bipolar people are, but it is what it is and we can't dwell on the past. Don't let it destroy your relationship instead let it enhance it. I know with the bouts ofanger and frustration that comes with cycling, you think how can a relationship be established. Well Noah built a boat when it had never rained before, and he did it by blind faith in God. Believing what God had promised Him and His family if only He would be faithful and do as God commanded. Low and behold, He built that boat and it began to rain. The act of believing and faith in God saved Him and His whole family.
You and your family have to have that kind of attitude. That even though I may not see the end of the road or the end to all this mess that Bipolar can be, I am going to step out by faith and believe God is with me and He will guide me and my family through. When everything is not as you dreamed it to be and no one dreamed of being Bipolar, hopelessness can dominate your life. We can hold on with open hands, knowing that we have hope because God is faithful.
Just remember that cycling is just a process that we with Bipolar have to deal with and with that down there is always a up. It makes a complete circle a circle of love that makes you complete and unique and who God made you to be. So just roll with punches and don't fret because if today is a bad day ( and we all have them-Bipolar or not), as the old song goes, "the sun's coming up in the morning." So with that holds new promises of God's love.
Friday, March 18, 2011
God is Faithful
Just living with Bipolar Depression and Anxiety Disorder is hard work. You constantly have to check yourself for mood or state of mind that you are in. Mine changes very quickly like a grandfather clock back and forth. I wish the moods where not so sparatic, as by favorite artist, Shelia Walsh, states,"Life is tough, but God is faithful."
We have to see God's love in difficult times. During the deep bouts with depression, when you feel as no one is there God is. Also, during the highs, with insomnia nights, ridden with racing thoughts, and frustration God is there. God allows these times to happen for a reason. During the depression, He may want us to slow down and, "Be still and know that I am God." Mania is when you can get alot of reading, studying, and praying done. You just have to stop and look at some positives of the situation that you are in and allow God to be in the center of it.
During those times are often desperate and we feel all alone, but you are not alone. That is satan trying to allow yourself a pity party. I used to throw them for myself, like no one understands me and no one has it like I do. No they may not but everyone has their own cross to bear and if Bipolar or Depression is yours just realize there are people worse off than you. Your disease you are not going to die from, what about those with cancer that daily live with the fact whether they are going to live or die? So it is as bad as we make it out to be. Call to Jesus and say as the old hymn states, "Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling."
Come to Jesus and live. Not just live a everday ho hum life but a victorious life. Does that mean no bad days or days of distress. No! God promises while we are in this fleshly body we are going to have trials and tribulations. Each his or her own battle to fight, but we don't have to do it alone. He is our source of strength and shield. My rock of my salvation. Just remember one day we won't have to live in this old body any more, we will be made perfect like Him.
So remember when you are down there are things that we can be thankful for. Depression can't steal your memories. It can't rob you true joy, if you don't allow it to. It can't touch your eternity. It will not remove you of God's care and it will not stop you from being loved or loving others.
That is one thing that I find very satisfying is loving others. God commands us in the Bible to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to keep His commandments. We are to also love others as ourselves. If we do these two things, we can't go wrong.
I leave you with these words of a song by Shelia Walsh, "Are you weary, are you frightened? When you go to bed, do you leave the light on? When the cold wind blows to disturb your peace, do you lock the door so no else can see? Broken promises have left their mark on you. In your unbelief, one thing you must hold on to.
When the road becomes too rough, when you're ready to give up, when you're crying out for love, God is faithful. When your peace cannot be found, He will never let you down, you have chosen solid ground. God is faithful."
We have to see God's love in difficult times. During the deep bouts with depression, when you feel as no one is there God is. Also, during the highs, with insomnia nights, ridden with racing thoughts, and frustration God is there. God allows these times to happen for a reason. During the depression, He may want us to slow down and, "Be still and know that I am God." Mania is when you can get alot of reading, studying, and praying done. You just have to stop and look at some positives of the situation that you are in and allow God to be in the center of it.
During those times are often desperate and we feel all alone, but you are not alone. That is satan trying to allow yourself a pity party. I used to throw them for myself, like no one understands me and no one has it like I do. No they may not but everyone has their own cross to bear and if Bipolar or Depression is yours just realize there are people worse off than you. Your disease you are not going to die from, what about those with cancer that daily live with the fact whether they are going to live or die? So it is as bad as we make it out to be. Call to Jesus and say as the old hymn states, "Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to Thy cross I cling."
Come to Jesus and live. Not just live a everday ho hum life but a victorious life. Does that mean no bad days or days of distress. No! God promises while we are in this fleshly body we are going to have trials and tribulations. Each his or her own battle to fight, but we don't have to do it alone. He is our source of strength and shield. My rock of my salvation. Just remember one day we won't have to live in this old body any more, we will be made perfect like Him.
So remember when you are down there are things that we can be thankful for. Depression can't steal your memories. It can't rob you true joy, if you don't allow it to. It can't touch your eternity. It will not remove you of God's care and it will not stop you from being loved or loving others.
That is one thing that I find very satisfying is loving others. God commands us in the Bible to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and to keep His commandments. We are to also love others as ourselves. If we do these two things, we can't go wrong.
I leave you with these words of a song by Shelia Walsh, "Are you weary, are you frightened? When you go to bed, do you leave the light on? When the cold wind blows to disturb your peace, do you lock the door so no else can see? Broken promises have left their mark on you. In your unbelief, one thing you must hold on to.
When the road becomes too rough, when you're ready to give up, when you're crying out for love, God is faithful. When your peace cannot be found, He will never let you down, you have chosen solid ground. God is faithful."
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
BEEcoming a Worker Bee
You see our Lord is such a gentleman that He doesn't force Himself on anyone. He patiently waits for you to come back to Him. He never moved. So that is where I am at, at His feet drawning from His gracious love and mercy.
I still have my days where everything is not so peachy as we like to call it. I have been sick with a migraine for the past 3 days and had to get a shot for it. Days like this I struggle, I just want to feel better and have God take the pain away. Sometimes He does and sometimes He has us to wait awhile.
One thing that I learned to do because I had felt like I had accomplished so many things in the past, but wasn't moving forward now was make a list of goals. The Bible says, " where there is no vision the people will perish." So I needed a vision for my life. Write 5 personal goals, 5 family goals, and 5 spiritual goals. This will help you work on things you want to accomplish in your life. It sets your mind on positive things that you are not idle.
When I get idle, is when my depression creeps up. I began to dwell on things of the past. Why I don't know those things are forgiven. Was Jesus blood not good enough for me for for those things that I did, that I can't be forgiven of them? That is what I am basically saying is that His sacrifice was not enough for my sins and I can't be forgiven. I know that not to be true so why dwell on the past. The Bible says, "look to the things that are before me." That is where my list comes into place. Read them daily to remind yourself of those goals that you have set for yourself.
Depression is an awful illness because it not only affects you but the people around you. It is usually the ones closest to us. I finally received help when I realized my boys where being affected by it. My husband was a grown man and he understood some of what I was going through, but my boys just knew Mommy was sick. I didn't want them growing up thinking Mommy was sick so I got help. I still have those days of blues and that is ok, but I relish in the fact that it is not going to conquer me. I will have a better day tomorrow. I also don't beat myself up for it either. I just have my day where I sleep a little more or do a little less, but I always try to do a little something so I can feel good about that accomplishment.
I called this title beecoming a worker bee because having bipolar and anxiety disorder, is work. It is daily working on my mental state, attitude and walk with the Lord. Not that everyday is perfect, but we can get to a point where the highs are not so high and lows are not so low and the changes are farther apart. Just today slow down enough that you can see the fingerprints of the Lord in your life.
I still have my days where everything is not so peachy as we like to call it. I have been sick with a migraine for the past 3 days and had to get a shot for it. Days like this I struggle, I just want to feel better and have God take the pain away. Sometimes He does and sometimes He has us to wait awhile.
One thing that I learned to do because I had felt like I had accomplished so many things in the past, but wasn't moving forward now was make a list of goals. The Bible says, " where there is no vision the people will perish." So I needed a vision for my life. Write 5 personal goals, 5 family goals, and 5 spiritual goals. This will help you work on things you want to accomplish in your life. It sets your mind on positive things that you are not idle.
When I get idle, is when my depression creeps up. I began to dwell on things of the past. Why I don't know those things are forgiven. Was Jesus blood not good enough for me for for those things that I did, that I can't be forgiven of them? That is what I am basically saying is that His sacrifice was not enough for my sins and I can't be forgiven. I know that not to be true so why dwell on the past. The Bible says, "look to the things that are before me." That is where my list comes into place. Read them daily to remind yourself of those goals that you have set for yourself.
Depression is an awful illness because it not only affects you but the people around you. It is usually the ones closest to us. I finally received help when I realized my boys where being affected by it. My husband was a grown man and he understood some of what I was going through, but my boys just knew Mommy was sick. I didn't want them growing up thinking Mommy was sick so I got help. I still have those days of blues and that is ok, but I relish in the fact that it is not going to conquer me. I will have a better day tomorrow. I also don't beat myself up for it either. I just have my day where I sleep a little more or do a little less, but I always try to do a little something so I can feel good about that accomplishment.
I called this title beecoming a worker bee because having bipolar and anxiety disorder, is work. It is daily working on my mental state, attitude and walk with the Lord. Not that everyday is perfect, but we can get to a point where the highs are not so high and lows are not so low and the changes are farther apart. Just today slow down enough that you can see the fingerprints of the Lord in your life.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Becoming a real Bee
Let me remind you why I use Bees all the time, the way a Bee is shaped he shouldn't be able to fly. But he does, because that is what God created him to do. I was ready to become that bee. Not an overnight process, but a day to day walk with my Bipolar and Anxiety Disorder.
You see I was overcome with grief also. I had lost my Mom just a few years ago and I had never dealt with that, so it was time. I remembered the nurse telling me a tactic to use that may help overcome grief. Write my Mom a letter, and tell her everything I thought she needed to know. So I did, I told her everything, my depression, my anger, and my resentment. I went to the graveside and I read the letter out loud so I could hear the words, then I burned it. I let it on fire never to pick it up again. My grief was gone no longer to be shackled by it. I still miss her deeply and always will, but I can now go on and live my life and wait till the day I get to see her in Heaven.
Now to deal with the anxiety and depression, I decided to go see a Christian counselor again.
I began to learn that God allowing me to have this disease was not a punishment nor a curse (even though it felt like it). I was chosen for a reason because in His infinite wisdom He has a purpose for everything. He had a purpose for my life beyond the Bipolar.
I was doing better with the anxiety. I still take 3 pills a day for it, but it is managed. I was having troubles in crowds like staying in church, and the grocery stores and stuff, but even that has gotten better. I have come to realize that I am going to be alright and nothing is going to happen to me.
I started to deal with my Spiritual wall also. I had left God so many years ago and now I wanted and desired a deep personal relationship with Him again. I knew I was saved, as we Baptist call it, I was backsliden. I was way, way back. But all it took was, what I call a coming to Jesus meeting, and getting serious first with my confession of sins, then a deep yearning and transparency with the Lord. I was assigned Bible readings by my counselor and we would discuss them. I was truly thirsting for Him and His word and that hadn't happened in years.
So as you see you can get past the feelings of being cursed by God for your disease or ailment. I did and I am no one special just a child of God, and He is calling for you to come home. So as my favorite artist Mandisa sings, "take the shackles off my feet, and I want to dance, I want to dance, take the shackles off my feet, I just want to praise you, I just want to praise you." Let that be your prayer to overcome the bondage of your disease. No I am not cured, but I am beginning to learn how to live in God's will. I will continue to share my story.
You see I was overcome with grief also. I had lost my Mom just a few years ago and I had never dealt with that, so it was time. I remembered the nurse telling me a tactic to use that may help overcome grief. Write my Mom a letter, and tell her everything I thought she needed to know. So I did, I told her everything, my depression, my anger, and my resentment. I went to the graveside and I read the letter out loud so I could hear the words, then I burned it. I let it on fire never to pick it up again. My grief was gone no longer to be shackled by it. I still miss her deeply and always will, but I can now go on and live my life and wait till the day I get to see her in Heaven.
Now to deal with the anxiety and depression, I decided to go see a Christian counselor again.
I began to learn that God allowing me to have this disease was not a punishment nor a curse (even though it felt like it). I was chosen for a reason because in His infinite wisdom He has a purpose for everything. He had a purpose for my life beyond the Bipolar.
I was doing better with the anxiety. I still take 3 pills a day for it, but it is managed. I was having troubles in crowds like staying in church, and the grocery stores and stuff, but even that has gotten better. I have come to realize that I am going to be alright and nothing is going to happen to me.
I started to deal with my Spiritual wall also. I had left God so many years ago and now I wanted and desired a deep personal relationship with Him again. I knew I was saved, as we Baptist call it, I was backsliden. I was way, way back. But all it took was, what I call a coming to Jesus meeting, and getting serious first with my confession of sins, then a deep yearning and transparency with the Lord. I was assigned Bible readings by my counselor and we would discuss them. I was truly thirsting for Him and His word and that hadn't happened in years.
So as you see you can get past the feelings of being cursed by God for your disease or ailment. I did and I am no one special just a child of God, and He is calling for you to come home. So as my favorite artist Mandisa sings, "take the shackles off my feet, and I want to dance, I want to dance, take the shackles off my feet, I just want to praise you, I just want to praise you." Let that be your prayer to overcome the bondage of your disease. No I am not cured, but I am beginning to learn how to live in God's will. I will continue to share my story.
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