The Bee's Frustrations

I have begun to notice some things about being bipolar that are very frustrating. One is the short term memory loss. I can't remember anything. It becomes very confusing for my husband and I because things will just have happened and I can't remember them. We will watch a movie and I can't remember it later. Most of all it is frustrating when I try to memorize Bible scripture and I can't recall the things that I have studied or worked on.

Second is the getting out of my routine can be exhausting. I tell everyone routine, routine, routine is the best thing for a bipolar person. I may not have the best routine, but it works for me. I have been out of town for the last three weeks and out of my routine. It has been fun to go and do different things, but being out of my routine is very taxing on my body as well as my mind. As I come home from each of these weeks, I feel very exhausted as most people do, but I also feel mentally drained when I should have had fun. Not to say that I didn't have any fun, I did but I pay the price coming down off that mountain. It is like someone popped my balloon.

I know these are not major issues, but they are as my title says frustrating. I am sorry for not being like everyone else, but I am not. I am different and I have to deal with things differently. People don't understand that but this is who I am. God made me special in His way and I have to accept that even if no one else around understands that. I have to take care of me and I know what is best for me.

The bee's maker

I sit here with the back door open and I am listening to the birds chirping. I am thinking about how beautiful God's creation is and then I remember, oh yeah, I am part of that too. If He could create such a world to be so great and perfect why do I question how He created me.

I know I have bipolar but he knows too. I know I have an anxiety disorder, but He knows too. He created me to be me. Unique and special in every way. Psalm 139:14 states, " I will praise thee: for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works." So He made me and called me marvellous. That's pretty awesome. Now some days I don't always feel awesome. I just feel a little fearfully, but He still loves me then. He loves me no matter what. He loves me so much He sent His son to die on the cross for me. Now that's pretty special.

So as you go through your day to day walk. Find things that God created and realize you can just look in the mirror and see one of His prized creations.

The Bee's Mask

How is it that you can be surrounded by wonderful people and still feel alone? I often feel that way. My own insecurities get in the way. They are always whispering in my ear to keep me from being the true me. That I know is Satan's tactics to keep me down, but why do I listen to him and allow him to determine my mood or my mindset. I have listened to him so long that I believe Him that God's promises are foreign to me. I know what they say but do I believe them in my heart. It's that part of "renewing of your mind" part that I have trouble with. I often put a mask on that everything is ok, not always but sometimes. Mostly in public where I am constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who is saying what. I deal with that mostly because of my weight. Why can't I just take the mask off or why can't I be secure in who I am? I know I can in Christ, but knowing and doing is a much harder task. My prayer is that I can just be me. That I can be in a crowd and stand tall and proud of who I am and who God has made me. That I can stop wearing masks and let people know what is truly going on inside so they can pray for me. I pray that others, as well as myself, will listen to the one true voice and not those negative voices of Satan keeping us defeated.

The Bee depending on God

I have always been an independent person. Relying on myself and also blaming myself for the problems that arise. I used to carry alot of guilt, but as time has gone by I have learned there is no need to carry all the burdens. Jesus took care of everything at Calvary. This week has been an eventful week for my family. My husband and I had our 13 anniversary. We went on a little trip while the kids stayed with their Grandma (Ma Boo) and they went on a little trip. Well, while we were 7 hours away our car died. I mean D I E D to the graveyard it went. But we stranded on had no idea what to do, so my husband got on the phone and to make a long story short a church full of people came through for us and helped us out with a loving hand. I doubted once again, Philippians 4:19, "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." But why do I doubt Him, he has always come through for me and He went above and beyond by dieing for me on the cross. So the end of the story is a another church gave us a car. Why do I get discouraged? Why do I worry or fret? Why do I feel defeated? Because that is how Satan wants us to feel. Those feelings are from Satan. I know feel blessed beyond measure.a I was a little afraid that circumstantial depression would set in. That is a depression that is caused because of the things that you are going through not a chemical change. That is probably the most typical of all the depressions. But how could I get depressed, because I had been so richly blessed. So when you get down and discouraged, begin to think on the blessings that you have. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for and read it over and over again. That is enough to make you forget the circumstances that you are in and just allow you to praise the Lord with a thankful heart.

The Bee I am in Christ

I have had a rough few days with low self-esteem and depression and my anxiety has hightened. I didn't know what to do. I was worrying that I was spiraling downwards and I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want to fall into the deep pit again. I didn't really know why I was feeling this way, there was no rhyme or reason. Nothing had happened to make me feel this way.

I felt like a hypocrite cause I have been so good and I have been praising His name. Now here I was not adhering to my own advice. I did the only thing I knew to do was ask people to pray for me. I ask friends to pray for my mood and my state of mind. I have a great support system of people that love the Lord, and I believe they did because I slept all night last night and I woke up refreshed and ready to face the world today. No more depression.

When low self esteem and dount paralyze us, we can give up and accept the distorted image, or we can remember who we are in Christ. We are loved most of all. When we are in a depression or feeling low (because some won't admit it is depression), we have a Heavenly Father who cares. He cares and he uses people in our lives so show us sometimes when we can't see them ourselves.

I do have Bipolar and anxiety disorder, but when God looks at me that is not what He sees. I am overweight and need to lose alot, but God doesn't see that either. I have made many mistakes in the past and I am sure I will make more in the future, but when God looks as me He doesn't see that either. He sees a child of God that loves Him even when I can't express it. I trust in those moments that I am clouded with all that I think I am, that I need to recall God's promises that He is with me. Matthew 28:20, "...and low I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world."

Season of Buzzing

Ecclesiastes 3:1, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven." It is that way with Bipolar and depression. We go through moods or seasons at different times. I am struggling with depression for the last few days, not bad just enough where I don't really want to be bothered alot. But, the Bible says there is a purpose for every season, and I just have to find that purpose. Is it to slow down again and start reading my Bible more and praying again. Have I not been depending on Him enough?

You can let your emotions get in the way for what you know is true. I often as I have said revert back to the "I can't!," mentality. But I can, I just choose not too. I use my disease as an excuse for not doing things. But we where created to do things especially for the Lord. We were created to worship Him. So if I have to go through this season again, because maybe I didn't learn the last time around or for whatever reason.

I will once again fall at His feet with my broken praises and He will always accept me just as I am. Hebrews 13:5 says that He " will never leave thee nor forsake me." So gather all your pieces of yourself that you have become and know that we have a mighty God that never leaves. If our relsationship with Him becomes strayed it is not Him who has moved, we have and during a depression it is often backwards. But we need to do the opposite, we need to move toward Him. So that is what I am proclaiming, to take this season and move closer to Him.

When we do have those bad days, we need to relish in the fact that tomorrow is a new day. Praise God for the small things that you did get done on that day. It may just be small like reading a verse or getting dressed. But be thankful that you did at least that. Try not to stay in the bed all day, try to accomplish one thing on your goals list. That is a list I told you about previously.

Speaking of the goals list, try weekly to do something on that list. It will help your mood and state of mind that you are accomplishing something no matter how big or small. Then add something every week and before you know it you will be having to make a new list of goals you want to accomplish. The Bible states in Romans 8:37, "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

Church Buzz

This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. Today is a Sunday and I am very excited about going to Church, fellowshipping with His people, and worshipping and awesome Saviour.

But I haven't always felt that way, I used to dread going to Church. I am a Preacher's wife and I felt that there was added pressure on me. I was putting that pressure on myself not the Church. You see the Church my husband pastor's is the Church I grew up in. So it is a very unique situation. The people have known me all of my life, but I felt as if I had a role to play and I didn't even want to take a part.

I would use the words, "I can't," way to much as an excuse for not going. It is too hard to go and put the mask on of happiness when deep down inside I was crumbling. But I did it every now and then, and I resented my husband for it. I just wanted to be "normal" people, not all this preachy stuff with added responsibilities.

But boy am I glad, that Jesus didn't say, "I can't." The cross was a huge burden to bear and He came to earth for the sole purpose of going to the cross. His whole life was committed to that.
He carried the burden on our sins to Calvary and shed his blood for everyone. He loves us that much.

So I came to the realization that by not going to Church, I was missing a big part of my healing. I needed to be surrounded by God's people who loved me and care for me and where praying for me. I needed to be in the House of God, feeling His presence and hearing His word preached to me. But with the anxiety Disorder also, I had to realize nothing was going to happen to me.

So I began taking it slow, and getting back in Church. It is wonderful to see God's people that love our family and love the Lord so much. They are such an encouragement. I still have days where Satan tries to tempt me to stay at home it is much easier, but Jesus didn't take the easy way out and neither will I.